Tall Angry Monster

Math meets Toiletries

04/11/2008 7:36 AM

Last week I mentioned the inverse relationship of the quality of toilet paper vs. the necessity. This week I'll explain it a little more in depth, and I've even made a handy graph, illustrating some other findings of mine. But back to the tp problem...

Think about it. You're in your comfortable home, eating standard food that your body is used to, and a bathroom is never more than 20 feet away. The average home has toilet paper so thick and snuggly that cute fuzzy little animals are just dying to get there hands on some. We're talking about tp so thick it makes paper towels look weak.

Now back it out a step. A hotel room is like your home away from home, except they pinch pennies a little bit more. The wiping material here isn't terrible, but its certainly not good enough for Mr. Snuggles. Still, the bathroom is only a few feet away, and you have some reasonable privacy going on.

Back it out another step. You're at a restaurant, and maybe you ordered something that your stomach didn't quite agree with. Sure that lemon butter sauce sounded good at the time, but now you're starting to realize that filling your belly with Italian drano wasn't such a great idea. You step into that bathroom, and there's already a couple of stalls being punished by some of your fellow poor decision makers. Hopefully, these decisions didn't involve any White Castle. After you've finished that awkward game of battle shits, that toilet paper is looking pretty thin. But still, you somehow make do.

Take that last step back, to the mother of all necessity, the airport. A place filled with thousands of people flying in from around the world. From the guys who've eaten bad airline food, to that poor bastard who didn't believe in all that "don't drink the water" nonsense. EVERYONE needs to drop the deuce here. You've been standing at the back of the plane, clenching your cheeks for an hour, just waiting for the wonder mommies to grab their annoying little kids and get out of your way.

Finally you're free. You RUN for that gargantuan bathroom, praying you don't spray before your cheeks hit the seat. The instant you step foot in the room, a plethora of foul aromas and an orchestra of disgusting sounds hit you so hard, you try not to vomit. One of the 20 stalls opens up and you dash for it. Leftover floatsom circles the porcelain, but you can't hold it a second longer. The second your trembling posterior hovers that seat, you learn the true meaning of "Pee out of your butt". After an anguishing battle, you've finally let loose all there is to be had. Through the putrid air, you breath a sigh of relief...but wait, what's this? That's right, the gods of el Baņo mock you with the most pitiful excuse for toilet paper you can imagine. How this see-through tissue holds itself together, you can't possibly understand, no less how it can clean up the chaotic mess you've just unleashed. And that's when it hits you..

BAM! Inverse TP ratio

- Relieved Mike

That is 2 Ls