Tall Angry Monster

All Your Base Are Kiss My Ass

02/5/2008 4:30 PM

Once again I've found myself playing a game that's clearly Japanese. This week, that game is "Zack and Wiki". With my 360 out of commision (Thanks RROD!), I picked up this Wii title for something to do. The reviews for Zack and Wiki were good, so I figured I'd give it a try.

First, to all of you that gave the game a 5/5, you have a karmic bitch slap coming in the near future. The game is supposed to be a bunch of fun little puzzles, which is exactly what I was looking for. In reality you spend most of your time dealing with annoying crap.

For example, Wiki makes noises so annoying it makes pokemon look appealing. Here's a novel concept, if the 1990's could manufacture games with full speech, why in friggin 2008 can Zack and Wiki can only muster a handful of annoying noises?

And of course the text in the game is standard Japanese RPG affair. I'm not sure if Japanese people can't write dialogue for shit, their games are translated crappily, or God help us all, Japanese people actually talk in seemingly endless circles. Either way, they never get to the damn point.

If by this point, the annoying sounds and dialoge, the controls will. I've completely lost interest in novelty wii motions for the most miniscule of actions. You want me to swing my controller like a sword? Great. Maybe its a golf club or a steering wheel. Awesome. But making me tilt the controller forward to drop a bomb when its the only action I could take? Fuck you. Nevermind that the time it took to explain this was significantly longer than the actual motion. Better still, the game explains EVERY motion you make, EVERY time you need to do it. Did the game designers assume that the average player was a complete retard?

Lets do some logic here. Its assumed that the player can read, figure out complex puzzles, and has a decent sense of rhythm, but he can't remember how to hold a controller for more than 30 seconds?

And the icing on the cake your character is as special as the designers. After the most minor of accomplishments, he needs to do a little victory dance. Wow, you picked up the key, its time to do a dance. You used the key, another dance. You opened the door, you guessed it another dance. You managed to breath on your own, do another dance.

If you can survive all the annoying shit this game throws at you, then you might be able to enjoy some puzzles. If reality were anything like this game, we'd spend an hour asking for a beer, spew obnoxious noises in the process, and do a victory dance after taking a piss.

In summary, I'd only reccommend playing Zack and Wiki if you can deal with some seriously annoying shit... If you've read this entire rant you might be qualified.

- Mike

That is 2 Ls